我也是:关于男同性恋和性侵犯的艰难真相

2017/10/17 作者:未知 来源: 互联网 点击查看评论



我从来没有告诉过任何人——包括我最好的朋友,我的男朋友,我的母亲,我的兄弟:九个月前,我邀请了一个陌生人去做爱,这比我想做的还远,而且当我试图阻止它的时候,它并没有停止。


他是纽约的一名杂技演员,我在Grindr的演讲中遇到了他,这听起来很老套,我对他在床上滚动想法感到兴奋。我想看看他能做些什么,对我做些什么——用他那漂亮的德国人的身体。

我不打算让他插入我。关于插入性的一切——从准备工作到我对健康和安全的关注程度——往往会使我与陌生人(或半陌生人)发生性接触。但是这个人非常有说服力,在我还没意识到之前,他就在我心里。

说我不喜欢这段经历是一种轻描淡写的说法。起初我试着告诉自己,我没事,但当他继续变得越来越有力时,我突然意识到我不是。我惊慌失措。我叫他停下来,他想说服我,因为他玩得很开心,认为我也玩得很开心。其实我过得不愉快。我又问了他一遍,更坚持地说,他要停下来,再一次,他继续。他叫我放松。他建议我把腿放在某个位置,使自己“舒服”。他没有停下来。我现在意识到,回顾过去,贯穿我脑海的问题不仅仅是“这真的会发生吗?”但“这真的发生了吗?”“

即使现在,在对哈维·温斯坦(以及其他强大的男子)的几十次指控之后,在所有关于性攻击和骚扰事件的对话中,我不但质疑发生了什么(即使我知道什么发生过)。我也问,如果有什么 - 如果有很多事情 - 我做错了。如果,因为我只邀请他和明确的性别;如果,因为我最初同意让他渗透我;如果因为我没有更努力的争取,我是否责怪1月下旬发生了什么事?

我现在意识到,回头看,我头脑中的问题不仅仅是“这真的如何发生”,而且“这是真的发生了吗?

不,我不是。所以,是的,我也是。许多其他男人 - 同性恋,双性恋,直接和其他 - 被殴打,我们许多人,由于自豪或尴尬,或者无法解开如何和为什么的棘手,滑溜溜溜的一缕 - 什么也没说,或找到方法来解释或者更糟糕的是,为了发生什么事而责怪自己。更重要的是,因为男人同性恋或其他方面的禁忌 - 谈论性侵犯,很少有需要发生的对话正在发生。

而且,尽管我想尽可能多地谈论性攻击和性骚扰,但我很失望地看到今天上午在美国今日的Marc Ambinder题为“哈维·温斯坦如何发生的事情?与我一起参观一个同性恋酒吧。“在他的作品中,Ambinder试图将同情的酒吧中的非自愿感动和亲吻与温斯坦和允许他和其他男人在许多方面强加于妇女身上的文化相结合。

虽然是的,同性恋酒吧的非自愿互动确实发生了(而且更多的是同性恋者想要思考或讨论的),而且,正如Ambinder所说,同性恋者可能会“更多地负责监督自己”,我不要以为这是有用的(而且我甚至认为这是直截了当的问题),以这种方式使这种连接。

事实上,我认为重要的是说我发生的事情与温斯坦遭到袭击的妇女发生的情况不同。而我认为重要的是说,温斯坦遭受袭击的妇女发生的事情与同性恋者或其他任何其他同志男同志一起摸索的男同性恋者是不一样的。关键是一次攻击不能 - 也不应该 - 超过另一个攻击,希望找到我们向前迈进的意义或安慰或答案。他们每个都以自己的可怕,创伤的方式发生。将他们聚集在一起不仅潜在地削弱了每个具体的故事,从而潜在的不诚实,而且我相信,阻止我们对我们如何共同努力来结束我们文化的有毒部分和所有的方式进行细致的讨论渗透我们的生活

更重要的是,我们需要相信男人,当他们说他们被殴打,而他们说“不”,无论他们在哪里或什么时候或为什么说。但是,我们还需要谈一谈两名男性确定的个人之间的性攻击(或可能)与男性认定的个人与女性确定的或非二进制个人之间的性攻击有何不同。忽视性别歧视和男性特权如何运作,以及他们的存在或不存在如何改变我们的文化接近的方式

I have never told anyone this ― not my best friend, not my boyfriend, not my mother, not my brothers: nine months ago I invited a stranger over to have sex and it went further than I wanted it to and it did not stop when I tried to stop it.

He was an acrobat on tour in New York City who I met on Grindr and as cliche as it sounds, I was excited by the thought of him twisting and untwisting in my bed. I wanted to see exactly what he could do ― and do to me ― with his beautiful German body.

I didn’t intend on him penetrating me. Everything about penetrative sex ― from the prep involved to the level of intimacy it often holds for me to the concerns about health and safety ― tends to keep my sexual encounters with strangers (or semi-strangers) to hand jobs and blow jobs. But this particular man was incredibly persuasive and before I knew it, he was inside of me.

To say that I did not enjoy the experience would be an understatement. At first I tried to tell myself that it was OK ― that I was OK ― but as he continued to become more and more forceful, I suddenly realized that I was not. I panicked. I asked him to stop and he tried to convince me that because he was having a good time, I was having a good time. I was not having a good time. I asked him again, more insistently, to stop and, again, he kept going. He told me to relax. He suggested I position my legs in a certain way to make it “more comfortable” for myself. He did not stop. I realize now, looking back, the question running through my head wasn’t just “how can this really be happening?” but also “is this really happening?”

Even now, in the midst of all of the conversations that are happening about sexual assault and harassment in the wake of the dozens of accusations against Harvey Weinstein (and other powerful men), I not only question exactly what happened (even though I know what happened). I also question if there was something ― if there were many things ― I had done wrong. If, because I invited him over only and explicitly for sex; if, because I did initially agree to let him penetrate me; if, because I didn’t fight harder, was I to blame for what happened that late January night?

I realize now, looking back, the question running through my head wasn’t just “how can this really be happening?” but also “is this really happening?”
No. I wasn’t. And so, yes, me too. And so many other men ― gay, bisexual, straight and otherwise ― have been assaulted and many of us, due to pride or embarrassment or just being unable to untangle the tricky, slippery strands of how and why ― say nothing or find ways to explain away or, worse, blame ourselves for what happened. What’s more, because it’s so taboo for men ― gay or otherwise ― to talk about being sexually assaulted, few of the conversations that need to be happening are happening.

And still, as much as I want as many people as possible talking about sexual assault and sexual harassment, I was disheartened to read an op-ed in USA Today this morning by Marc Ambinder entitled “How does Harvey Weinstein happen? Visit a gay bar with me.” In his piece, Ambinder attempts to tie non-consensual touching and kissing in gay bars to Weinstein and the culture that allows him and other men to force their way ― in so many ways ― onto women.

While, yes, non-consensual interactions in gay bars do happen (and more often than many gay men want to think or talk about), and, yes, as Ambinder suggests, gay men may have “more responsibility to police ourselves,” I don’t think it’s useful (and I’d go so far as to say it’s downright problematic) to make this kind of a connection in this kind of a way.

In fact, I think it’s important to say that what happened to me is not the same as what happened to the women who were attacked by Weinstein. And I think it’s important to say what happened to the women attacked by Weinstein is not the same as what happens to gay men who are groped without consent by other gay men in gay bars or anywhere else. The point is that one assault cannot be ― and shouldn’t be ― super imposed over another in hopes of finding meaning or solace or answers for how we move forward. They each occur in their own terrible, traumatic way. To lump them all together not only potentially diminishes ― and thereby potentially dishonors ― each specific story, but, I believe, stops us from having nuanced conversations about how we can work together to end this toxic part of our culture and all of the ways it seeps into our lives.

What’s more ― we need to believe men when they say they’ve been assaulted ― and when they say “no,” no matter where or when or why they’re saying it. But we also need to talk about how sexual assault between two male-identified individuals is (or may be) different than sexual assault between a male-identified individual and a female-identified or non-binary individual. Ignoring how sexism and male privilege operate and how their presence or absence changes the way our culture approaches, permits and encourages sexual harassment and assault against women is a different challenge than why and how sexual harassment and assault may occur for gay men.

Of course there can and will be overlap between the two and let’s also not forget that male privilege can and is weaponized against those who identify as femme men, but that all of that just proves how complicated and insidious rape culture is for everyone. The big take away for me is that we should be having more and harder conversations about all of this ― not less or less nuanced ones.

That includes conversations about gay spaces and consent, especially when those spaces are often created to encourage and express sexual freedom (something I applaud) and lines can easily become blurred and easily be crossed (something I do not applaud). Non-consensual actions or activities are never OK but understanding how and when those actions or activities occur within these kind of spaces requires honest and complex discussions that go far beyond what Ambinder wrote.

The difficult truth is gay men have a lot of issues to deal with when it comes to sexual harassment, sexual assault, and consent but the work we need to do in order to address these issues isn’t helped by sensationalist headlines...
The difficult truth is gay men have a lot of issues to deal with when it comes to sexual harassment, sexual assault, and consent but the work we need to do in order to address these issues isn’t helped by sensationalist headlines such as Ambinder’s. It’s just not that simple.

So, let’s talk about why the man who refused to stop having sex with me may still to this day not have any clue that he assaulted me. Let’s talk about why it took me nine months and a clickbaity headline in USA Today for me to talk about my assault. Let’s talk about why I still have a hard time accepting that what happened was assault. Let’s talk about gay men spending more time interrogating their own behavior and the behavior of their friends and how we can be allies to those who are assaulted. And let’s talk about how all of this and more is or isn’t connected to the experiences of the women who were attacked by Weinstein ― and the countless others who are survivors. But we owe it to ourselves and each other not to be sloppy or slapdash about the connections we’re making or how we’re making them ― no matter how well-intentioned they may be ― especially at this incredibly important moment when these conversations are finally happening, or, more accurately, when the voices of survivors are finally beginning to be recognized, heard and believed.

There’s just too much to lose ― and, hopefully and eventually, too much to gain.

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